Lord Deliver Me From This Pack N' Play!

My daughter is definitely not a fan of the pack n’ play, but since she is mobile now and insists on crawling into the kitchen there are times when, much to her dismay, she has to spend some time in the playpen while I attend to things. I truly do prefer to just let her play on the floor and put the kiddie gates up, but she now knows how to knock them down. So, when there is no other choice but to put her in the pack n’ play I must endure the ear-deafening screams that go along with it in order to accomplish my tasks without a little tot under my feet. She does tend to calm down every once and a while for about 3 seconds before she belts out another wave of crying and screaming, but what makes it worse is when she sees me walk by – she thinks I’m coming to get her out and rescue her from the evil playpen but really I’m not. Let me tell you, this makes her so mad – as upset as she was before, it has just doubled! I will say to her, “Emma – I’m going to get you, just a moment. Mommy has to finish this, I have to get your lunch ready” etc – but of course there is no reasoning with an 11 month old in a playpen. I have thought to myself, “Doesn’t she know I am going to get her? She has to know I won’t leave her there forever. Doesn’t the love she feels from me insure that I will eventually get her out?” And of course, these are all logical thoughts that I at 26 can understand but a baby? Not so much. Of course the time does come when I get her out and wipe away her tears, make it all better and we move on with our day. But man, it is like a little tornado is in the house when we have pack n’ play time.

So where am I going with this? No, this isn’t a lesson on parenting and letting the kid cry it out. No, this isn’t leading up to a list of creative ideas of how to entertain a tot while your do chores. I’ll come back to this scenario in a moment, but first let me tell you about my past few weeks.

It is expected that life won’t always go as you plan, I get that. And I accept that even when you are trying hard to do what is right and follow God’s Word – crap still happens – we aren’t promised that it won’t. I admit that when life starts to get too hard, I fall apart. I start out trying to keep the faith, stay strong, and press on through the trials, but eventually I reach my breaking point and it is like all the good work I have done goes down the drain. I will begin to allow the negative thoughts and talk come in, even though I know this won’t resolve the problems. I can feel a storm inside myself growing, taking over my peace and causing disruption and unrest. I will start complaining to my husband, my parents, and God about the situation I am in. When I feel like I have given enough time for an answer to come along, only to find that it hasn’t arrived yet I start spewing. “What is the point in doing something right and following the rules when this is what we end up with?!” or “I guess if I had just done what so and so had done, I wouldn’t be in this position! I would have given up my values and morals – but I wouldn’t be here in this mess right now!” All the “what if’s” and “I should haves” are a waste of time and energy – I know – of course I’m on the other side of the storm right now so yes I can admit that now. The truth is all of my anger, bitterness, jealousy, resentment, and hurt won’t fix the situation I am in. None of it will make me feel better; in fact giving in to those emotions will only make me feel worse.

So here is where the earlier story comes in. Last night, after I had “griped” at my husband until he fell asleep – literally, God showed me a picture of how I was acting. And He showed it to me in a way that He knew I would understand clearly. I was acting just like my dear little daughter when she is stuck in the pack n’ play. I, like Emma, am unhappy with where I am – and I want out – NOW! My basic needs are met; breath, food, water, love, shelter (just as Emma’s are in the pack n’ play) but I know there is something better for me out there. If I could just get out of this pack n’ play I would be free and happy. But this pack n’ play is too big for me to crawl out of myself, I don’t have the tools or the knowledge needed to climb out myself. This frustrates me because I want out, and I want out now! I don’t want to have to wait for God to rescue me and pull me out – I don’t know how long that may be. And furthermore, when I think I see a way out, I think I see the answer coming – only for it to walk on by and not pull me out it makes me angrier than I was before. And yes, I know God will eventually pull me out of this pack n’ play, He has done it before and I know He won’t leave me here forever – but still I give in and allow it to get worse. I know God’s love for me, I know He is only waiting for the right time, or for certain things to be in place before he pulls me out – there is a reason for the wait, I just don’t know what it is. But I don’t need to know the reason, I probably wouldn’t understand it anyway – but what I do know is that I won’t be in this pack n’ play forever. I do know help is coming; God will pull me out when it is the right time. And until then what good can come from me screaming, crying, and throwing a fit? It hasn’t helped Emma get out of her pack n’ play before it was time so why should I expect it to help me?

Psalm 18:16 says “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.”

Today Lord I thank you that you will reach down and take hold of me, you will draw me out of the circumstances I am in today.

Isaiah 55:8-9 says “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Lord, I trust that your ways are higher than mine, and your plans for me and for delivering me from my circumstances are higher than any plans I can form on my own. Thank you for having a divine plan for my life and thank you for the plan you have to deliver me from my situation.

What is My Purpose?

Do I even have one? I wanted to know my reason for being here – my divine destiny, the purpose God created me for. Could it be I was created only to be a housewife and mother? Yes it is true – that could be my purpose; after all God reminded me of my grandmothers and great grandmothers etc – they didn’t grow up in a world where women had careers outside the home, their role (sometimes beginning at 9 years old) was to help with the housework and take care of the babies. How selfish and proud am I that I think I deserve a “better” calling than this. I am blessed to have grown up in a time that encourages and accepts women to dream big and follow those dreams. But in this society and time it can feel like being a housewife and stay-at-home mom is the default plan, “Well you never made anything of yourself or your dreams so we’ll just put you in the home changing poopy diapers and doing laundry all day”. But what does that say about all of the other housewives and stay-at-home moms before me? God didn’t have a purpose for them? They were just here on Earth wandering around performing their domestic duties? I know in my heart that these women were not nameless to God, he knew them and he created them for a reason – so why do I doubt this about myself? 

What have I accomplished? I would have to say all of my accolades come from my high school years. All of those dreams, goals, and plans I had somewhere along the way fizzled out and I took a different path, a path that lead me here. I feel like I am a failure in every way – educationally, financially, physically, spiritually, relationally, and even as a mother. I haven’t finished college but I have the student loans to pay, we never have enough money, debt collectors always calling, I don’t look or feel like myself, my marriage could be better, I could be better, I could be more patient and loving with my children, and even worse is that I know these are all lies from the devil and I am just taking them like a punching bag. I know better, I have been raised and taught better, but here I am letting the devil lie to me and make me feel like a failure. Yes I will always have room for improvement, I am not and never will be perfect, but I know enough to recognize the devil’s tormenting lies that try to chip away at my self esteem and push me into depression. Sadly I will admit, the devil invited me to a pity party and I rsvp’d YES.

During my pity party I even told my husband that I felt like I was standing still while the rest of the world (including him) was moving forward. I mean after all, he has a job he goes to every day and makes progress, he is in college working toward his degree, and our kids are growing and learning more each day. And eventually the kids will grow up, graduate, and move out to start their own lives – where will that leave me? With no degree, no work experience in years, and not even a clean house to show for it. But God used my husband to speak to me, Jeremy wrote me a note that said, “You may feel like you are standing still in the world, but you are the world to our kids, and me”. I thought about it and it really put it in perspective – to my 8 month old daughter and my 4 year old son I am the most important person in their lives right now. I am their comforter, their source of information, the one who feeds them, takes care of them when they are ill, their playmate, and their example, their everything. They don’t care or even know that I don’t have a college degree, they don’t care about my credit score or my weight. They love me, they need me, and they depend on me. I cannot allow myself to spiral into depression and self-pity – what message will that send to them, what example will that set? Is that what I want them to imitate? No, absolutely not! I want so much more for my children than I even want for myself. My husband’s words really helped me snap out of it and examine myself with new eyes. I may not feel important and I may not feel like I have a purpose – or at least a grand one, but to these two little beings I am more influential and more depended on than anyone else will be for a while. So I picked myself up by the bootstraps and went were I always go first – Ephesians. 

A Night in Ephesians

While reading through Ephesians, one of my favorite books in the Bible, one that I turn to over and over again I found answers to many of the questions I had been asking myself. Not even out of chapter 1 and I read, “In him we were also chosen having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will” (Ephesians 1:11). Does that sum it up enough for you Tessa? You have been chosen. You have a predestined plan. God will work it out. It says so right there in black and white. 

And again in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”. God does have a plan and a purpose for you; he has something specific in mind. And yes, that plan and purpose may just be to be a housewife and stay-at-home mom. Whatever the plan is that God has for me I should embrace it and put all of myself into it – I would if it were a “grander” plan, if I was getting paid for it – so why treat it any differently?  

Ephesians 4:11-12 says, “It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service…” God knew what he was doing when he made me and he made me with a specific purpose in mind, maybe it isn’t to be someone big and great and known and financially well off. Maybe he gave me a purpose that falls under the category of “works of service”, which is no less important than any other plan he may have for anyone else.

And then the real kicker, the verse I know I was meant to read. The gentle but much needed disciplinary verse, “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gently; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3). Regardless of my calling I should be practicing these things, but especially if my calling is being a mother and wife, I should be excelling at these things. Have I been? No. What better way to teach my children how to be than to be that myself and set an example for them to follow. What kind of mother and wife am I teaching my daughter to be? What kind of message am I sending to my son about his future wife and mother of his children – am I teaching him that these are roles to be honored and respected? And most importantly, am I created an atmosphere of peace in my home for my husband and children? Am I providing them with a home where they feel safe, secure, and comforted where they feel that they can dream big and become who God has called them to be? Or am I making this a war-zone of strife and chaos all because of my temper tantrum rooted in the disappointment I have with myself? 

But the gentle reminder of my vices wasn’t over yet: 

 

Ephesians 4:29 goes on to say, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”. 

Ephesians 4:31, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”.

Ephesians 5:15-16 “Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is”.

I think it I have it, I need to take this seriously – this job as mother and wife. This may not be the only purpose God has for me, or maybe it is. But either way – it is what He has for me to do today and if I am serious about wanting to know my purpose and fulfill my destiny then today is the day to start. I have an important job here – I am helping to shape who these two individuals will become. 

“Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does…” (Ephesians 6:7).