My daughter is definitely not a fan of the pack n’ play, but since she is mobile now and insists on crawling into the kitchen there are times when, much to her dismay, she has to spend some time in the playpen while I attend to things. I truly do prefer to just let her play on the floor and put the kiddie gates up, but she now knows how to knock them down. So, when there is no other choice but to put her in the pack n’ play I must endure the ear-deafening screams that go along with it in order to accomplish my tasks without a little tot under my feet. She does tend to calm down every once and a while for about 3 seconds before she belts out another wave of crying and screaming, but what makes it worse is when she sees me walk by – she thinks I’m coming to get her out and rescue her from the evil playpen but really I’m not. Let me tell you, this makes her so mad – as upset as she was before, it has just doubled! I will say to her, “Emma – I’m going to get you, just a moment. Mommy has to finish this, I have to get your lunch ready” etc – but of course there is no reasoning with an 11 month old in a playpen. I have thought to myself, “Doesn’t she know I am going to get her? She has to know I won’t leave her there forever. Doesn’t the love she feels from me insure that I will eventually get her out?” And of course, these are all logical thoughts that I at 26 can understand but a baby? Not so much. Of course the time does come when I get her out and wipe away her tears, make it all better and we move on with our day. But man, it is like a little tornado is in the house when we have pack n’ play time.
So where am I going with this? No, this isn’t a lesson on parenting and letting the kid cry it out. No, this isn’t leading up to a list of creative ideas of how to entertain a tot while your do chores. I’ll come back to this scenario in a moment, but first let me tell you about my past few weeks.
It is expected that life won’t always go as you plan, I get that. And I accept that even when you are trying hard to do what is right and follow God’s Word – crap still happens – we aren’t promised that it won’t. I admit that when life starts to get too hard, I fall apart. I start out trying to keep the faith, stay strong, and press on through the trials, but eventually I reach my breaking point and it is like all the good work I have done goes down the drain. I will begin to allow the negative thoughts and talk come in, even though I know this won’t resolve the problems. I can feel a storm inside myself growing, taking over my peace and causing disruption and unrest. I will start complaining to my husband, my parents, and God about the situation I am in. When I feel like I have given enough time for an answer to come along, only to find that it hasn’t arrived yet I start spewing. “What is the point in doing something right and following the rules when this is what we end up with?!” or “I guess if I had just done what so and so had done, I wouldn’t be in this position! I would have given up my values and morals – but I wouldn’t be here in this mess right now!” All the “what if’s” and “I should haves” are a waste of time and energy – I know – of course I’m on the other side of the storm right now so yes I can admit that now. The truth is all of my anger, bitterness, jealousy, resentment, and hurt won’t fix the situation I am in. None of it will make me feel better; in fact giving in to those emotions will only make me feel worse.
So here is where the earlier story comes in. Last night, after I had “griped” at my husband until he fell asleep – literally, God showed me a picture of how I was acting. And He showed it to me in a way that He knew I would understand clearly. I was acting just like my dear little daughter when she is stuck in the pack n’ play. I, like Emma, am unhappy with where I am – and I want out – NOW! My basic needs are met; breath, food, water, love, shelter (just as Emma’s are in the pack n’ play) but I know there is something better for me out there. If I could just get out of this pack n’ play I would be free and happy. But this pack n’ play is too big for me to crawl out of myself, I don’t have the tools or the knowledge needed to climb out myself. This frustrates me because I want out, and I want out now! I don’t want to have to wait for God to rescue me and pull me out – I don’t know how long that may be. And furthermore, when I think I see a way out, I think I see the answer coming – only for it to walk on by and not pull me out it makes me angrier than I was before. And yes, I know God will eventually pull me out of this pack n’ play, He has done it before and I know He won’t leave me here forever – but still I give in and allow it to get worse. I know God’s love for me, I know He is only waiting for the right time, or for certain things to be in place before he pulls me out – there is a reason for the wait, I just don’t know what it is. But I don’t need to know the reason, I probably wouldn’t understand it anyway – but what I do know is that I won’t be in this pack n’ play forever. I do know help is coming; God will pull me out when it is the right time. And until then what good can come from me screaming, crying, and throwing a fit? It hasn’t helped Emma get out of her pack n’ play before it was time so why should I expect it to help me?
Psalm 18:16 says “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.”
Today Lord I thank you that you will reach down and take hold of me, you will draw me out of the circumstances I am in today.
Isaiah 55:8-9 says “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Lord, I trust that your ways are higher than mine, and your plans for me and for delivering me from my circumstances are higher than any plans I can form on my own. Thank you for having a divine plan for my life and thank you for the plan you have to deliver me from my situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment